How the World Showed up for Me

I am filled with passion tonight. So much love, gratitude and hope. Don’t get me wrong, there’s fear too. But so much fire.

About 2 years ago, I read a book called “Sarah in the Wheelwork” by Caraf Avnayt. The story was wonderful, but what hit me so hard about this book was the family it was about. This family didn’t have judgment for one another. They loved one another, truly. They were so connected to one another and helpful and kind. No secrets, no shame.

Anyways, bearing witness to this unconditional love in a family changed so much for me. I had never seen it before. I hadn’t seen what I was missing. What humanity was missing.

I mean, in the shows and the movies we're always shown drama. Drama between EVERYONE. But this family in the book, they loved one another, no drama between them. However, they were all facing one enemy, one evil. They didn't take out their anger on one another, and instead stuck together to fight the enemy. 

After reading that book, I would never again settle for less than unconditional in a family. I wanted to find people like them. I wanted to find a home. A place where ALL of me was welcome. Where I could feel how I feel without shame. Where all the parts of me would be seen and loved. 

That winter that I read the book, I began to take a lot of comfort in meditating and finding my “soulmate” or “lover” or “other half” or “masculine counterpart” (whatever you want to call it). I would become still, and go to this place in my heart of warmth and unconditional love. I would feel the man who I needed.

He was warm, and kind, and very stable all around. It is so nice to feel held in this energy.

I would’ve waited an eternity to find him in real life. I didn’t expect to anytime soon, but I also didn’t expect to wait awhile. I would just go find in my heart and think of nothing else than that and taking care of myself.

I spent a whole winter doing this. It was truly magical. I made bread and pies and soups. I danced and sat with candles. I also worked at a ski resort. 

Anyways, I found him. We found each other. It was / is so special, but didn’t satisfy my longing for a home, for a family of my own.

This brought / brings its own waves of grief, but oh how grateful I am to have a man who unconditionally loves me in my life. I can never mess up. I get to be me, no matter how messy, or sad, or angry, or excited, or passionate. I get to love him, bring him peace and comfort and show him what’s possible. We are partners.

Now, sitting here tonight, I’m seeing that the unconditional love outside of romance did show up for me. They are showing up for me.

There’s a woman I met recently, we’ve been calling on the phone, and speaking and connecting with her has done so much in my heart.

I’m seen. I’m loved.

We’re real and authentic.

There’s no pretending.

No hiding.

And these are the connections we deserve with everyone.

This is what humanity deserves to exist in.

A place of unconditional love.

Where we have elders.

People who can take care of us,

who can help us and guide us and lead us to the answers.

People who are stable emotionally and physically and spiritually.

We deserve to live in a world where this stability is cultivated in childhood, so we can actually become adults and grow and lead a next generation.

We deserve to live in a world that’s real.

No pretending.

No acting.

We’ve all seen pain.

We’ve all cried and felt what it feels like to hurt.

There’s no shame in who we are, in how we feel.

I long for nothing more than a world that comes together like this.

Even if that world is just a bubble of my own, with the ones who unconditionally love me.

Then I hope the world gets to be like that too again one day.

It’s really nice to know that life showed up for me in bringing me these people.

What’s so beautiful about these special connections is that we were all longing for one another just as much. It’s so mutual.

Love is a give and receive. It’s equal. Just when I feel like I’m receiving it all, the other person tells me they are receiving just as much.

I didn’t even have to do anything but be me, and they didn’t even have to do anything but be them.

That’s love.

And remember, you deserve that love. You always have and always will.

You've always been enough.

Thank you to Isaac and Haley who've shown up for me, and for the others and the more to come.