October 2nd, 2023

I had very powerful dreams on this night. I’ll state the last one, as it was the most intense and vivid.

I was at a house party. There were some random people there, and I felt ok being by myself when nobody was talking to me, just observing. It made me uncomfortable, but I faced it.

A nice girl came up to me and we started talking.

Then this couple (people I know from school) started having problems and asking me for advice.

The girl's girlfriend also kept following these people who would connect a line consisting of a truck, then smaller truck, then motorcycle, then a two-person bicycle (something like that). They would go into the woods, and the people on the bikes were skilled, standing up and doing acrobatic stuff, the girlfriend being one of them.

Infatuated I was, so I followed.

I followed into the woods, and then found my own path to explore. I ended up at this cliff that dropped off into the “desert” or what looked like a quarry.

I kept looking around, postponing the acceptance of turning back, as I knew it would be difficult and I didn’t know the way.

I did turn back and I found myself lost, confused, and scared, especially being up so high. Scared at any moment the wind would blow me to my death.

I used a way on the side of the cliff to slowly descend down, and I would use my arms and legs on each side of the wall (like how me and my brother used to play spider man in our hallway) to descend a story.

It was sketchy, and I was terrified.

Then, this man appears out of nowhere and asks if I need help very casually. I submit to his trust right away (uh oh is right lol).

He grabs me and jumps down a long dark chute straight to the bottom. As we are falling, he whispers to me “square R1, square R1”, which are video game controls. I felt myself press it but from within me not third person if that makes sense.

We hit the bottom after a long fall. I saw the man lying there and I saw his ghost. He asked me if I was dead too.

I ran so fast for help, as I sensed his malice.

Finally, I saw people from the place those trucks must have been going. They helped me, talked to me. I told them my story. The man who “saved” me was something called a third man, a tribe of men in the desert. They are dangerous and powerful.

The men of the trucks took me back to the house the party was at, as I realized I hadn’t had food and barely any water in the last 24 hrs.

I had expectations to speak to the guy who was hosting the party about it all but ended up at home showering.

I was yelled at by dad in the shower to let my brother shower first, even though I had just been through ALL OF THAT.

Somehow the end of my dream was rewinded and was redone, and this time, when I escaped from the man and the desert place, I sat there in the building with the truck men longer and spoke about it. I think my family even came. 

I know at some point I saw and received a video in night vision of my fall with the third man, as when it was happening it was dark and I was clueless. Just numb and pressing the buttons he told me to.

I think seeing the end of my dream replayed caused it to mesh with the “reality” of my dream. I remember wanting to show off the video to my grandpa, and my mom wanted to go and tour the place, and I was happy with that. To feel understood.

I also kept saying that I continued to manifest death. With the girl from my work, and some other time a man died for me, and now this. Guilt?

Take away’s I wrote on this day:

Wow. There is so much. The postponing going back because I knew it would be scary and I was lost and confused. How all I wanted was to sit down and cry and disappear (disconnect). How in this fear, I was so easy to literally CLING ON to someone in order to numb my fear and put trust in them. How in that disconnection from myself and connection to them, I am perfectly content doing what they say, as it isn’t the death I’m afraid of, but the anticipation of death that terrifies me. The “pressure” of living and responsibility of making decisions to not eternally suffer until the end. If someone is holding my hand through life, I am perfectly content using them to numb this fear.

I am evolving. I am connecting to myself again, willing to feel all of this a work through it, not disconnect. Emotions make life worth living.

My reflections today: 

I feel a lot of symbolism in the re-doing of the end of my dream. Especially at this point in my life, almost 6 months later. 4 years ago, I was in a controlling relationship with a man. A man that "I submit(ed) to his trust right away (uh oh is right lol)." I didn't speak much about it until very recently, as I didn't remember too much, and even when I did, I couldn't feel it. But now, I am changing that. I am talking about it. I'm letting my family in. I'm letting go of the shame. I'm allowing myself to be understood.