The Opening of a Young Girl’s Heart

As I prepared for Kirkwood, I looked around its location on the map. I saw two things that immediately took my interest - Yosemite National Park and the John Muir Forest.

I knew I would be going out to California without a car, but I was passionate about traveling to these places. I have a tendency to overwhelm myself when I really want something with trying to figure out how to do it. As I felt that come on, I just let it be. I let it fizzle out, knowing that I would figure it out.

I came to Kirkwood remembering all of these little things, the vision, Yosemite, John Muir forest, but as I settled there, life took on its routine, and the remembrance slipped my mind in coherence with time.

One day at work, as I was sitting at the cash register, you know, doing my job, my co worker at the cash register next to me says “Ella, do you like hiking?”

“Yea! Why?”

“My friends keep trying to get me to go hiking with them but I don’t want to, so can you take my place to try and get them off my back?”

“Hahahaha yea I would love to. Where are we hiking?”

“Yosemite.”

Jaw. Dropped. I was shell shocked.

“Oh my goodness,” I said, “Bri, I would really really really love to go please can I go”

And that was that. Her friend John, the brains behind the operation of the trip, came into work that day to meet and talk to me.

It is now a week before the Yosemite trip. It is getting to be the end of the ski season in Kirkwood, and employees are leaving, restaurants are closing.

In the cafeteria style restaurant I worked at, a few people had already left for the season, and with a restaurant nearby just closing, we took some of the workers there to help us out.

A few weeks prior, I went to this going away party for a worker of mine leaving. I ended up talking to a guy for hours passionately, as I tend to do on topics I am passionate about.

I enjoyed the conversation, thought he was a cool dude, but, with the season ending in Kirkwood and everything feeling so fleeting, given that I never saw him around anyways, I assumed I would most likely never speak to him again after that night.

Well, lo and behold, he is one of the workers who shows up from the other restaurant to help out at our restaurant.

Mind. Blown.

During the work days, we were allowed to take “ride breaks” since we are located right at the base of the mountain. The tension between us created a dance, and we ended up taking ride breaks everyday together for 1-2 hours.

This is where we got to know each other.

We found we clicked.

We made each other laugh. Genuinely.

We are both snowboarders, and at pretty much the same skill level too. I would think I was way ahead of him going down the mountain, get to the bottom, and be surprised to see that every time, he was somehow always right there.

Our first day taking a ride break together, along with another friend of my from work, it was snowing like crazy.

I’m not sure if you have ever snowboarded or skied before, but there is nothing like a blanket of fresh powder to ride on.

You feel like you are floating on a cloud.

It is seriously awesome.

On this awesome day, I also lost my phone on the mountain! This overwhelmed me at the first sudden realization, but turned to felt right, as I knew I needed the break from social media and the constant connection that having a phone ties me to.

Anyways, I gave this guy my email so I could contact him about hanging out or riding together on a day off.

One of these days, he told me he was leaving in a week, which made me even more eager to spend time with him.

As the days progressed, so did our connection. With only a few days left of him being in Kirkwood, I was about to make my epic trip to Yosemite.

He was excited for me, as he had already been and knew how beautiful it was.

I was super excited too, a little nervous for going with people I never met and for camping in colder weather, but there was never a doubt in my mind that I would not go. I knew I had to. It just felt so right.

But there was this thought in the back of my mind… how awesome it would be if he came to Yosemite too. It was just a thought though, and I did not plan on asking about it.

Here we are, the day of my trip. We are both at work, and I plan to leave after the work day.

I am sitting in the back room, breaking down some cardboard when he busts through the door, “I have a thought,” he says.

I ask him what the thought is, even though I for some reason know what he is about to propose. And so he does just that, bidding the idea of him coming along to Yosemite.

I smile. I am excited and now even more nervous. “Tell me why I had that same thought,” I say with a laugh.

“Because we like each other.”

Shell shocked and impressed I was at the boldness of his statement, but couldn’t disagree.

NOW I WAS EVEN MORE NERVOUS AND EXCITED.

When I was little, and I would be taken to preschool, I would feel this intense feeling, as children only know how to feel things fully, of being simultaneously nervous and excited. I would say to my grandma, “Nanny, I’m nervous excited”.

This is exactly how I felt about the trip.

After work, him and I drive 45 minutes to the closest town to meet John (the brains behind the operation) and Patrick (a new friend of John’s I had never met either, but heard really great things about).

All four of us though were pretty much all truly meeting each other for the first time. We were acquaintances.

When me and Spike, that is the name of the man traveling with me, stepped out of the car to meet John and Patrick, John says “Well, we will either love or hate each other by the end of this trip. Let’s go!”

I’ll never forget it, it was so funny hahahahaha. I already knew I liked him at that point.

The car ride was exactly what you would expect… that new friend feel.

We left at dusk, drove a few hours to a campsite, had a campfire, and went to bed, still not fully comfortable with one another yet, as is expected.

The night was chilly, but me and Spike shared a tent which made it much much warmer.

I awoke to the sun’s warmth and the bird’s song in the morning. My spirit was calling me to get outside, and so I did.

Opening the tent was surreal.

I had gotten used to the white, dry climate in the sierra mountains, so to see green grass next to blue water was already so fulfilling to my eyes. However, the colors were noticeably brighter, more vivid, than anything I had seen in a long time. Since childhood I would say.

The air and water were crisp, the sun and grass were sharp.

I wanted to walk forever. I wanted to dive into the water. I felt so free. So nourished. Like I had just taken a sip of cold water after overheating on a hot summer day.

After walking for a bit, Spike awoke and we started walking together.

In the last picture above, you can see this island like little hill behind the camper. I say island because I don’t know how else to describe it, but it is attached to land by a somewhat narrow strip of ground.

Anyways, Spike and I walked out there and everything was so just funny. I could not stop laughing and it felt so good to laugh like that.

The silliest, stupidest little things.

Then all of a sudden he offers me a piggy back ride and my inner child is jumping for joy.

It just all felt so warm.

We go back to camp, me and John jump in the FRIGID water, pack up, and make our way to Yosemite.

We stopped at the cutest little cow themed diner. It was awesome. I got a blueberry waffle that was even more awesome.

The drive into Yosemite felt like a dream. The winding roads through the rolling Californian hills. Now I have seen many stretches of these hills, but then it was my first time, and I was in awe.

Spike and I held one another in the backseat, windows down, great music. I was content. Completely and utterly content. Surrendered. Open. Trusting.

We arrive in Yosemite and oh my wow. I cannot even begin to try to describe it.

After realizing none of us had work the next day, we decided to extend our trip and stay in Yosemite for the night, given that we arrived late afternoon.

We all follow John to one of his planned out trails. Lo and behold, we end up going on the John Muir Trail.

It was a beautiful hike, and near the top is where Spike kissed me for the first time.

Given the time we started, the hike back down was in the dark. It was so fun because there was ice all over the trail, making it an interesting challenge to get down.

Spike and I held hands and found ourselves ahead of Patrick and John, talking deeply and passionately about everything - ourselves, the world, writers, writings, being human, the universe, love. All of the good stuff.

This is where he told me that the night we met at the party way back a few weeks ago, when I was rambling on passionately, he saw himself in the passion of having so much to say but not knowing how to say it.

And, ironically, what began me speaking passionately was me seeing myself in him.

We made it back to the bottom of the trail in the valley, and that tired delirium really got the best of me hahahaha.

I was laughing so hard and giggling and just all over the place. High on life. Drunk on love. Something along those lines.

We get back to camp, and instead of starting our own fire, we join another’s who already has their’s going.

John began cooking the sausages we had.

Spike began setting up our tent.

I changed into warmer clothes.

I felt so home in my heart

I felt like a child in all the best ways possible.

Before coming to Kirkwood, I said to my mom that I was afraid I would never feel the joy, the love, the peace of childhood again. And I truly feared this. But it was in these moments at Yosemite that life showed me that there is so much room for all of those good feelings, and even MORE.

I checked on John and took over cooking so he could set up his tent.

Spike and Patrick soon made their way over, prompting the original makers of the fire to come out of their tents and gather as well.

They were this group of people from Estonia and just so happened to be hilariously drunk.

John gave one of them a sausage and he claimed it was the best of his life hahahahaha. Same with the s’more I roasted for him.

Oh and also him and Spike claimed to be long lost brothers hahahahahah.

The Estonians were so funny.

It was really fun to watch, and so I did.

I was quiet and tired and happy and warm, inside and out.

Everyone started going to bed, and it was just me, Spike, and one of the Estonians left at the fire. The Estonian began saying goodnight now too, and as he was leaving, him and Spike shook hands. Spike asked, "How do you say 'goodnight' in Estonia?" and the guy goes "I call my wife." Hahahahahahahaha.

"No no no, the word 'goodnight' in Estonia"

"Ah ah I understand man. Goodnight"

Spike and I laugh so hard as he proceeds to try and get into his tent and rolls on the ground in his drunkenness state, one foot hanging out of the tent as he crawls his way in. 

I am tired, yet I am not ready to leave the warmth of the fire. Although, I know it is time for rest, and Spike carries me to the tent

The night was cold, but me and Spike kept warm again…. welllll at least I did because I was held and bundled in a cocoon. Spike, not so much hahaha, sorry Spike.

It is alright though, because the warm sun in the morning always makes you forget about the cold of the night.

On this day, we hiked to the top of Yosemite falls, each at our own pace and waiting for one another at checkpoints.

It was so awesome, John made friends with these two siblings who were making the hike together. It was a hike that needed stamina and motivation for sure, as it was basically all stairs for miles. And John provided just that for the siblings, giving them clean water along the way and motivating them to make it to the top.

At the top, we all rejoiced.

It was clear now that our bond as a group of 4, me, Patrick, John, and Spike, had grown close.

We all went at different paces going down, breaking off into our own worlds to process the day.

There is something about hiking that I learned this day - it is not only a physical journey, but a mental, emotional, and spiritual one as well. You become a new person by the end of the hike. Hiking exemplifies this quality of the human experience; the ever-flowing evolution of the soul. 

Me and Spike stuck together, considering it was our last day of the trip and somewhere in our hearts we knew that life inside of this little dream world of Yosemite would dissipate as we went back to our other world at Kirkwood. Along with the fact he was leaving in just a few days. 

It was very beautiful, you know, for both of us to give our all in the ways we did with such little time together. I feel it is such a courageous act to love despite the logic of time. Ironically, I believe it was the little time we had together that made us so vulnerable. I mean, there was nothing to lose. If things went bad, we wouldn't see each other again. And if things went good.... we could have seen that as scary... the inevitable heartbreak. But instead, love pervaded all fear. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 

But here is the thing, I do not believe true love can ever be lost. Love is a force that is found in the opening of a heart. Love is found in truth, in vulnerability, in courage, in compassion, gentleness, care. Once this force touches one's heart, it can never be taken back. 

And my time with Spike did just that. It opened my heart. He opened my heart. And if we were to never see each other again, I would be able to accept that, because this love had forever touched me and would stay with me for eternity. I felt grateful for the force of love radiating through my being, surrendering me to the vulnerability of being hueman. 

On our way down Yosemite falls, holding hands, as day turned to dusk, we were silly, basking in these special moments with one another; walls of rock catering us in a semi-circle with an entrancing view of the valley. 

With the sun setting, acting as a symbol of the closing of a wonderful day, the reminder of the end of our trip nagged at our jokes, the sound of our voices and laughs, and finally I turned to him and said, "Thank you for playing Yosemite boyfriend and girlfriend with me". 

This paved the way into communicating our hearts for the other to know, openly and vulnerably, once again, giving the credit of our courage to the fact we had nothing to lose. 

We both met one another in each other's love, not ready to let go, not wanting to give into the probable. There was something we found in one another that opened our hearts like never before, and when that happens to a person, all the things in your life that are truly important to you seem to be so clear, and the rest, well, the rest loses its power, and all the fear that had you continuing to hold on dissipates. 

Like I said, we met each other in our love, and no more words needed to be said to know where we were standing. Now that I think about it, this trust came so naturally, like magnets awaiting to be one. It was this conversation that allowed the magnets of our hearts to do just that, and, in recognition, fell into the void of love. 

Something else that happened on the way down, which I thought was crazy and would be fun to mention is, off the top of one of the huge rock walls next to us, ice balls probable about the size of softballs and smaller began falling down. Now this was scary because there was nowhere to run or hide, and these ice balls were traveling so fast. It was wild and a funny story hahaha after they stopped falling.

At the bottom, it is now dark. We pack the car and get on the road, as we have a 5 hour drive ahead of us and we all have work in the morning... but I was the only one who ended up going hahahaha. Probably because I slept the whole car ride. 

As you can guess, me and Spike spent the next few days together with a bittersweet goodbye. Bitter being the physical separation, but sweet being the fact we had both been touched by the force of love, and would carry it with us wherever we went. We also set up the plan to see each other when I got home in a few weeks, since his home is only 1.5 hours from mine. 

I had big plans coming up for me. My job would end in two weeks, and after that, I would be renting a car and road tripping down the coast from San Francisco going south, sleeping in my car. This would be my first time solo camping, let alone car camping at all, so I was nervous, but very excited for the personal growth this would bring me. 

Also, there was something that felt so right about me doing a solo trip after experiencing such intense connection with another. There was something that felt right in it all, including him leaving so soon. 

I needed the time to really lock in the stability of my own self, my true self. To solidify my own identity and relationship to myself. To complete this cycle, as the main theme of this past winter for me has really been establishing this stability and alignment of my actions and external world with that of my heart and soul. Feeling safe in and with myself, setting boundaries, all that good stuff. Spike's leaving and my solo trip acted as the closing in this journey, reflected in my ability to feel safe, trust, and connect with another. 

A week before my job ended at Kirkwood, John and Patrick (mainly John) began conjuring up the idea of ANOTHER ROAD TRIP, which made me so excited. The way it fell into place was perfect. I was to leave Kirkwood a day early, we travel up to the Oregon coast, camp, drive back into California, see the redwoods, camp, drive down the coast to San Francisco and drop me off at my rental car. There we would part ways. 

And so we did just that, with the exception that John and Patrick actually spent one more night with me in Santa Cruz, which was nice to do my first night car camping with them right near me. 

This trip, I really got close with John and Patrick, which was very nice since Yosemite I spent mostly with Spike. I found a sense of home in them, comfort and trust. A road trip family if you will. I will and do miss them dearly, and have great faith we will road trip again someday. 

Something really magical happened on this trip that must be shared... that I have been excited to share since beginning this writing. 

So, as I write about early on in this article, before going to Kirkwood, I had a vision of deer antlers over a fireplace with two guys talking in front of it. 

I had actually began to wonder if I would end up seeing it physically, but was not looking out for it, as I knew the feeling that projected that vision I had found in Spike, in John and Patrick. 

On day 2 of John, Patrick, and I's road trip, in Prairie Creek Redwoods, we stopped at the visitor's center, this little cabin on the edge of the woods and a prairie with elk roaming the field. 

I walk into the cabin, looking around, and lo and behold, there it is, deer antlers over a fireplace. 

I am walking with John when I see it and all I can do is pause, saying, "Oh my god. Oh. My. God." 

I sit on a couch in front of it, just staring, savoring the sweet feeling of knowing I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

I remember my vision have two men talking by the fire, and, I happen to be road tripping with two men who feel like home. 

It is here writing this now that I see how much I have grown from the vision to its physical manifestation. How much love has been let into my heart, washing over my being. How much stability I have found in my being as an individual, especially highlighted in the capacity for these newfound deep connections with others. How this is a flame I will have to nurture for some time. How beautiful it is to see this ♡

The ever flowing evolution of the soul. 

On my solo road trip, I met myself intimately; in my fears, in my love. There were nights I felt alone. There were days I felt so free. 

I learned, or began learning, to trust myself. 

Each day, I had total freedom to do what I wanted, go anywhere. In this physical freedom, I met the cages of my mind. The part of me that tries to plan, but is scared to commit to a plan. What if I make a wrong decision with my day? What if I waste my time? 

For some reason, I found myself wanting perfection. But in order to do anything at all, I had to make a decision and trust it completely. Trust myself completely. No looking back. 

Some nights I cried in this freedom that sometimes felt like freefalling in a void.

Some nights I felt so cozy knowing the ocean was right outside my window. 

The mornings were always so pleasant. The beginning of a new adventure, waking up to a new scene every day. 

I hold this trip near and dear to my heart. 

I started in San Jose, spent the night in Santa Cruz. 

Drove into Pinnacles National Park, hiked all day, and spent the night off of a road going through a beautiful prairie of cows.

I then drove into Morro Bay. It was a cloudy and windy day, so I rested in the sand for an hour or so, and then went on a nice hike up to the sand dunes. I watched the sunset on Prismo Beach, having a special night communicating my heart through my journal, and spent the night there right next to the ocean. 

I drove to Malibu the next day, spending the day on the beach in the sun, going in the water before it got windy and I went on an absolutely gorgeous hike through the mountains on the coast of Malibu. I watched the sunset in an awesome spot with coastal rocks and waves splashing and crashing into them, then found a nice pull off on the oceanside to sleep. 

I woke up, had a beautiful call with some on my dear friends, and headed on the road to find another beach. I found a beautiful one right outside of Santa Barbara that was right on the edge of train tracks. I settled there for the day. The sun was strong and there was little wind, so it got hot on the beach, which was perfect since the water was so cold. A perfect balance. All day, the train would go by and I thought it was awesome given the fact it was a train full of people. People traveling to who knows where, looking out the window to see the still bodies on the beach, relaxing, soaking up the sun, while continuing to move quickly through California, never to see us again, or, it would be even crazier if they did and never knew it was us they saw in a fleeting moment passing by a random beach outside of Santa Barbara on a train. 

I drove that night into Santa Barbara to watch the sunset, then driving back to Prismo to spend the night in the spot from before. 

I drove into Morro Bay spent part of the day relaxing on the beach in the sun, like always haha. There was a kite festival going on, which was pretty cool to stumble upon. I didn't go into the water this day since it was windy and chilly. Mid to late afternoon, I began my drive up Highway 1. It was closed halfway through, so I planned to drive up and back for the scenery, and oh it was worth it. 

I cried of beauty. Of love. Of the release of pains in my heart.

I sat on the side of the road and wrote for a little while. Writing the dreams, desires, and home of my heart. Vulnerably and courageously with all possibilities open. 

I will insert something that sunk into me this night, along with pictures I took of the drive. 

This next and final day, I drove into Monterey after spending the night between Morro Bay and where my drive on "Highway 1" truly started. Monterey was absolutely gorgeous. The rocks that lined the peninsula, the crystal clear, teal water, the flowers, the still water cove I spent my last day soaking up sun and swimming.