You know, there are times where I have lied in bed and said to myself, "I don't want to do this anymore." It is a feeling like wanting to die. It is not me, my soul, that wants to die. The soul never dies. No, it is the part of me that is fighting. Fighting to survive. Fighting to avoid pain. This is the part of me that is scared.
It is not me that wants to die, but it is my soul calling to emerge, just as a baby calls to the mother by breaking her water, speaking into the outside world, "I'm ready to live".
I tell myself, "Ella, it is time to live once again. It is safe to live. To fly. To soar your soul to the sky. To do this, you must let the part of you that wants to die, die. You must trust in the soul's buoyancy to not only keep you afloat like a body lying flat in the ocean, but to fly. To propel you through the upper waters we call the sky."
I've always yearned to fly. Growing up, I would always say that when I died, I would want come back as a bird or butterfly.
When I tried to get into lucid dreaming, it was my first and only priority to fly.
I think I love swimming so much because it mirrors flying; the freedom to move in infinite radial direction, the freedom of feeling so light.
I believe this desire comes from my soul. It is rooted in a natural, inherent desire for freedom, which also requires faith.
Just as flying requires much faith to be a dense body held in the lightness of air. Freedom of the soul requires faith. Faith in yourself. Faith in others. Faith in God. Faith in life and love. It is all the same. Faith is one force.
To have faith is freedom of the soul. Faith gives way for the openness, courage, and abundance of infinity. Of infinite possibility. The faith that all of your soul's desires deserve to be, can be, and were born to be fulfilled.
This Earth is made for desire to call and be satisfied, as the wind moves by a calling of an unbalanced pressure in the sky. Animals call to their mates as the other finds them.
This is the duality that governs all life, that speaks to us through desire.
A balance of tensions it is.
A universal language that speaks in pressures, electricity, - and +, yin and yang, masculine and feminine, frequencies of sounds, music.
And it can all be singled down to the wave.
The wave of the ocean and of the wind, water and air, lower blue and upper blue.
The freedom of the soul gives space for desire to speak, be heard, and followed. The soul is then free to move in infinite radial directions, free to be light, both in buoyancy (weight) and radiancy (bright).
Think of a river, with water resembling desire, the flow of life force, and the banks resembling the structure of mind and body, the containment.
The flow of the water leads the river, and the banks keep in contained, forming at the will of the water's strength.
If the structure of the bank oversteps as leader, switching roles and dictating the water, the water becomes like a pond, with a circular current.
Water still moves, but round and round it goes in an infinite loop, not evolving or changing.
Our spirit is like a river. Our life force flows and leads our mind and body. To let the mind dictate for too long will our souls in a box, our water in a pond. Round and round our spirit will go, safe, but is it truly living? Or is living found in the faith of following the language of the soul that calls to us through desire?
Trust this to lead you. Make like a river and flow freely.
And as beings who naturally breath air, to flow freely means to fly in the upper waters of the sky.
Later in the day after writing this, I sat down and picked up where I left off in reading a book by Hermann Hesse titled Demian.
Being the brilliant book it is, I can across a few passages that seem to go along with the theme of this day and all that I wrote above.
The first passage speaks of the life force, the creative force, the love force, found in the shared spirit of all living things.
It was curiously beneficial and enriching - dreaming and staring into the fire! ... the surrendering of oneself to these irrational, twisting, odd forms of nature, engenders in us a feeling of the harmony of our inner being with the will which brough forth these shapes ... we see the boundary between ourselves and nature waver and vanish ... In no way so simply do we discover to what a great extent we are creators, to what a great extent our souls have part in the continual creation of the world. Or rather, it is the same individual godhead, which is active in us and in nature. If the outside world fell in ruins, one of us would be capable of building it up again, for mountain and stream, tree and leaf, root and blossom, all that is shaped by nature lies modeled in us, comes from the soul, whose essence is eternity, of whose essence we are ignorant, but which is revealed to us for the most part as love-force and creative power.
This passage speaks on the infinite quality of the soul.
We confine our personality within much too narrow bounds. We count as composing our person only that which distinguishes us as individuals, only that which we recognize as irregular. But we are made up of the entire world stock, each one of us, and just as in our body is displayed the genealogical table of development back to the fish stage and still further, so we have accumulated in our souls all the experiences through which a human soul has ever lived.
This last one... well you'll see how evidently it relates.
I dreamed I was able to fly. I was flung through the air, so to speak - impelled by a great force over which I had not the mastery. The sensation of this flight was exhilarating, but soon changed to fear as I saw myself snatched up involuntary to risky heights. There I made the saving discovery that I could control my rise and fall by arresting my breath and by breathing again.
Pistorius interpreted as follows: "The swing, which sent you up into the air, is the great property of mankind, which everyone possesses. It is the feeling if close relationship with the springs of every force (the infinite quality of it all), but it soon causes anxiety. It is cursedly dangerous! For that reason, most people willingly renounce flying, preferring to walk according to prescribed laws along the footpath. But not you. You fly higher, as befits an intelligent fellow. And behold, you make a wonderful discovery there, namely, you gradually get the mastery over the impelling force. In other words, you acquire a fine little force of your own, an instrument, a rudder. That is splendid. Without that one goes floating into the air without any will of one's own; madmen, for instance, do that. They have deeper presentiments that the people on the footpath. But they have no key and no rudder, they fall whistling through the air, down into the fathomless depths. But you, Sinclair, you manage all right! And how, pray? You probably don't even know. You manage with a new instrument, with a breath regulator. And now you can see that your soul isn't really 'personal' at bottom. I mean that you didn't invent thus regulator. It isn't new. It is a loan, it has existed for thousands of years. It is the balancing organ fish have - the air-bladder..."... I felt an organ of early evolutionary epochs functioning in me.
I see this "mastery of the force" as flowing with the force with your own will. Both this force and your own inner life force seeing one another, connecting, merging, and dancing together. You keep your own will as it keeps theirs. The quality of becoming one while also remaining two, as there is no existence without an opposition to make it stand out. There is no existence without boundaries.
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