This is such a crucial question to look into for yourself. Are you motivated by the fear of death (suffering), or the desire to live? And by fear of death, I mean every fear, because the fear of death at its root is the fear of suffering, and all fear is such. And that is only if you believe or fear deep down that death = suffering. To believe that is also to believe that life = suffering. Ok, anyways, it is such a crucial question because everything and anything that is making you feel stuck in your life, is some sort of fear. And it can be such a perpetuating cycle. You fear something bad happening, so it makes you want the opposite, and then you fight with such urgency to escape what you fear will happen. This, my friend, is a never ending cycle. You'll never get what you are looking for, because, it is really as simple as what you are looking for is found in giving up this fear completely and just letting go.
When you start by living through your desire to live, you will immediately find you are following in your own soul pleasure.
This idea that we are born to SURVIVE is nonsense and a crime to the soul. Quite sadistic if you ask me.
It is from my experience of following my desire to live that has proved to me that we are alive to LIVE. To follow our soul's pleasure, enjoy the fruits of life, love and be loved deeply, and move on when our soul decides it is ready. This is a truth I know in my soul.
I want to give you a story time from my life.
So, all of my life mostly, from age 3, I have had eczema - rashes on my skin. It went away for some time, maybe like 12 years old and on, and came back guns a blazing when I turned 17. It got so bad from 17-18 that my whole face was covered in rash and oozing. And oh my goodness, for an 18 year old girl who was in the homecoming court, this would just not work. Slowly, I ended up stop going to school for the little time that I was there, and did the 2 classes I had online. I took some weeks off to recover, and it ended up getting so bad, I went to the doctor and they gave me this pill I would have to take every day to prevent the rash (you know the drill with pharma).
Well, this hit me big time. The idea of being dependent on this pill for god knows how long scared the living shit out of me as a young girl at the ripe age of 18. I was terrified of this idea, and also of the rash coming back because of how painful and ragingly uncontrollable it felt. Oo coming back to this time in my life is still raw and gives me the heebie jeebies. Moving on to my point.
Because of how stuck I felt, how scared, I decided my only way out was to completely heal this eczema naturally. So, slowly, I began making changes and experimenting, but with such urgency in my spirit, as I was making these decisions out of fear.
So no matter how close I got to healing, it would always come back one way or another.
Now, I would say in my life I am the closest I've ever been to healing this, and that is just an instinct I have deep down. But this all shifted when I gave up. When I came back to square one a surrendered to the eczema, allowing it to be there if it wants or not. I stopped all the mentally decided rules and such, and just came back to following what feels good for me. Which this ended being breaking almost every rule I had, breaking every ounce of urgency and strictness living in me, until I was and am left will what I've been truly longing for, and that is just peace and the freedom to live.
I have faith that it is all unfolding rightfully now, that I am taken care of.
And thank god for the people in my life who showed me it is possible to heal.
But, ALL IN ALL, I found and am finding deep healing in surrendering to my desire to live and giving up fears of suffering. In this, I found that I can live RIGHT now and don't have to wait for some better future version of myself. I also found that I don't have to survive in constant preparation for something bad to happen. The desire to live dissolves all of this, as you decide to live here and now and have faith in all that is to come. It is truly magic and what I believe as our natural state.
And if there is something that you fear, explore the idea of allowing yourself to be alright whether it happens or not. Knowing that you will be ok whether it happens or not. I am telling you, you will learn so much about yourself and free so much in yourself by doing this.
And then, the desire to live has room to come in and take over, keeping and protecting you from any suffering, carrying you through life on the excitement and pleasure of your heart.
I need to talk about this too.
Sometimes, we find that we are 99.9% in fear and have very little desire to live. We are just tired. And it is in my experience that we must surrender to that to. We must allow ourselves to feel and accept that our soul is tired. At some point, the desire to live may sweep you up and carry you on, or it may not come. Maybe you just know your soul has moved on to somewhere else. You have to be open to it all.
One thing I must say with this, is know that if your soul has moved on, trust that you can be reborn again in this life, and do not need to really physically die to be reborn. That is all I will say. If you decide to dive into this question for yourself, the answers will come to you.
You are free to live and you are free to die. This is what happens when we let go of fear - freedom. And it is in this freedom of decision that are soul feels no pressure and can truly decide once and for all if it wants to live. And when the soul makes the choice, the forces of nature, the wind, the fire, the earth, the dirt, the rock, the trees, the animals, the lovers, move with it.
You have to have the courage to say, "I don't want this life if it's not that of my soul".
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